This is a difficult topic. A topic that it’s going to be very hard to put into words, but I want to talk about it. I’ve read numerous books about Borderline Personality Disorder, and there’s always the infamous love chapter. What do I get out of these chapters? You’re doomed.
Do I agree? I don’t want to, but in this day and age, especially when people don’t know how to date anymore; yeah I do. People don’t want or know how to deal with someone like you. So what do you do? Turn all emotion off? Go through the games and dialogue over and over again, and wait for everyone to disappear? And they do disappear.
Is there a way to make them not disappear? Well, sure! Hide the darkest demon within you until you trap them, and then reveal it when they are in too deep? How is that fair? Then when you both are in love and you drop the bomb, they will leave, or they aren’t equipped emotionally, do all the wrong things to trigger you, AND THEN leave. And then you’re left there. A broken mess. An unstable broken mess.
Now, let’s get to talking to someone. Someone you really like. Your paranoia is always there telling you you’re screwing up, there’s someone else, you’re not worth it, they are gonna leave any second, Every little thing you said is bad and they ran. You’re only chance at love is gone. If that person who was kind and sweet can’t even fathom being with you, who can?
You realize you are broken. And you let impulsive behaviors takeover. Behaviors you would be ashamed of if you weren’t a Borderline on the verge of psychosis. But, you use these behaviors as the only lifeline to feeling any emotion you think you may have left.
Turns out, you don’t have any.
Until you find someone who gives you hope. Then you screw it up and you have to turn it off again. Start over.
How many times can you do it? You can’t. There’s no point anymore. For me as a borderline, it’s just better off being alone.
I don’t want to be. It hurts. But, I can’t cry anymore. I don’t know what I’ve done to deserve this brain.
My therapist says there a plenty fish in the sea. Sure, there are plenty fish in the sea who want normal individuals. Individuals that yeah, suffer from anxiety and depression are okay, but you say personality disorder and they go whoaaaa. Tell them to google it and silence happens. OR they tell you they can handle it, they won’t run. They do.
As a borderline you live off fear. And fear is constantly eating your mind. I’m waiting for my Borderline to propose to me, and I’ll say yes. Why? Because it won’t leave me alone.