Be prepared for a slue of Lion King memes. 

So, these past months I’ve been on numberous dating apps. 

Oh, before I get into this, let me introduce myself to those of you who don’t know me. I’m Brittany and I have a pretty severe case of Borderline Personality Disorder that has gotten worse in the past few months. My therapist says I’m isolating myself and I’m at a high risk for psychosis, so we can add that into there, because I’m unintentionally feeling it. Soooo that’s me! HAYY y’all. 

Anywho, if you know what BPD is, have it, or googled it by now, you know that we don’t do well in relationships. Well this girl here doesn’t anyway.

Why am I on dating apps? Good question. Because I crave the attention of males ogling my goodies, then feel terrible about it later. What apps have I tried? ALL.OF.THEM.  

Have I had any luck?? 

Like Ed here, I couldn’t help but chuckle at your subconscious questioning. I’ve been on many dates, but what do they do? What every Borderline fears- disappears. Hey that rhymes. Ironic right? 

Here’s how a conversation usually goes with me, because I’m brutally honest and generally have no feelings unless I really start to like the fellow. 

Boy: Hey there beautiful 

Me: Hey there.

Boy: how’s it going? 

Me: *what I want to say is I’m hiding in my room because I hate people and I’m too depressed to do anything, but act cool Britt, act coooool.* Just relaxing, how about you? 

Boy: Same, so tell me about yourself.

Me: * so I tell them what I do, blah blah blah.* and I have a personality disorder. 

Boy: that’s cool, I have no room to judge. 

Then we proceed to conversation and exchanging numbers. 

Now this is where it gets hairy. 

Either- I disappear because, I have no feelings and commitment is scary OR the men lie. 

I’ve been on dates with sex addicts, men who are more mentally unstable than me, go figure), religious zealots who judge and make Jesus so, so sad, and of course the men who only want to text you to ask you the age ole question, “can I see your tits.” 

Me, being self loathing, have given all of these men the time of day. I’ve actually had hope for these men. And what did they do? Let’s all collectively say it now, DISAPPEAR.

I’m sure that women who don’t have BPD have had the same experiences as me, but they may not sit there and analyze every single detail of what they did wrong. Feel rage inside themselves and have dark thoughts. They can just move on, where as BPD is two devils sitting on both shoulders telling you that you are worthless. 

Now, I’ve literally begun to feel nothing. I have no hope. You read online and in BPD books that dating is such a challenge and your brain basically tells you that it’s not worth it. 

Nah, Scar. It really isn’t. 

So, as my therapist has made the revelation that I am happy to be mentally ill and getting worse. She’s not wrong. I just didn’t want to admit it to myself. It has become apparent that my BPD has claimed itself as my boyfriend, and oddly enough my brain is content about this. 

Now, I hope I’ve either done one of two things: made you aware of BPD and how it feels when dating, or I’ve given you the urge to watch the Lion King. Either is a success in my book.