That’s exactly what I feel like doing today. It’s hard to get out of bed. Every day. My days usually start off in the black. I know my day is about to be super monotonous and the only thing I have to look forward to is getting coffee from Starbucks. Yes, I’m a basic white girl- don’t judge me. Or do, whatever. 🤷🏼♀️
After my coffee, I’m in the white. However, it’s not long before I’m in the black again. You see, what I do for work is manage reputation on social media and let me tell you, people are mean. Obviously right? I used to be numb for so long that it didn’t bother me and now it does. Not necessarily what they say. Just the fact that I spent 7 years at a University for something different and I’m mentally ill and can hardly deal with my own negative thoughts. How can I deal with other people? Yeah… I got nothin’.
But everything happens for a reason right? Don’t get me wrong, I’m grateful to have a job. I just know I’m destined for more and it’s depressing I don’t know where to begin.
I’ve recently found that there are many downsides to working in social media. Especially for me, is that there are triggers everywhere. I have to be on all platforms and there are pictures of Chester, (yes, I will be talking about Chester a lot. I miss him, my soul is broken, and he is a big part of my day to day processes). I see them and initially smile and then the demons take hold. Grab my insides and tell me that he’s gone and all hope is lost. Yeah he’s gone, but is all hope lost? Well that’s what BPD says, so it must be true.
I also feel like I’m holding back so much potential. I know I can do something great, but I don’t know where to start. I feel like my brain is being kept at limited capacity, because if it could expand more I would turn into Scarlett Johansson in that weird movie where she unlocks all consciousness of the human brain and can control everything. Which would be super cool- don’t get me wrong. But, that’s too much for me to handle.
As the day progresses my anxiety increases. There’s no one reason. It just does. Sometimes it gets so bad my fight or flight kicks in and I need to run away. However, I’m at work and I can’t go. Then panic sets in. Then come the thoughts of “why am I alive. I can’t do this anymore.” Here comes the rabbit hole of emotions where I cannot be touched or reasoned with.
Thanks to BPD, this can last from just a day- many weeks. This is why I prefer to be in isolation. Let me tell you, it is exhausting to put up a front and pretend you’re okay. It’s exhausting to look at someone and assume that they think you just want attention and are judging you. Hence why I have isolated myself. Sorry everyone.
Apparently according to therapists isolation is bad? But, my brain loves it! Oh, that’s REALLY bad and how psychotic breaks happen. Just to let you know.
I’m constantly alone in my brain with thoughts of Chester. Waiting for him to be like JK guys I’m here. The constant feeling of loss and being lost is overwhelming. I’m good at blocking things out and always have been since I was 8 years old, but I’m learning that I’m slowly losing my skill. Ugh. Which makes me feel. This whole process of losing Chester has made me feel. And I don’t know if I should be grateful or tired.
I suppose I should be grateful. He would want us to help those who are down, especially those who suffer with mental illness. I’ll get there one way or another. I need to get out of this box I’m trapped in. Any ideas?