First off, I want to thank all of you for your support of my blog. It has been difficult to write every day, but I’m trying for all of you. I want to make a difference and be an inspiration. I am not doing this for sympathy at all, just in case any of you had that in your mind. I wallow in enough of my own self-pity, trust me, I don’t need anymore. *laughs then cries* Where’s that wine gif again? Really though- thank you.
I was going to tell you all about the love story between my chameleon and I and how she chose me at the pet store, but things are weird in my brain right now.
I just got back from a Christian concert which featured Mandisa and Danny Gokey, (I do believe?) For the record, they all got their start from American Idol and Mandisa is gorgeous. However, that’s not the point. The point is that this tour that they are on is called “Rise Out of the Darkness.” Ya see both individuals were riding high up on a deep depression, (please tell me you know what song that’s from), and the Lord pulled them out. It took a while, but they survived.
Ironic I was there tonight considering what I’ve been going through, especially with Chester. Now, these singers don’t have Borderline personality disorder, (lucky them), but depression is no joke. It wasn’t as though they made mental health seem trivial because they didn’t at all. But they made it seem easy to overcome. And those of us who suffer know, it’s not. It’s a journey and a process, and a painful one at that.
Yeah, I know through the Lord all things are possible, and I know I’m going through all of this for a reason, but it’s like my brain doesn’t want to heal. My therapist says that it’s a legit thing as to where people enjoy their illness but they are in denial about it. This then leads to psychosis. “Don’t fall for it, Brittany.” My brain is all for it though and after constant battles and arguing, it’s almost like you just let it do what it wants and say screw it.
Let me say: EVEN CHRISTIANS ARE DEPRESSED AND HAVE A HARD TIME. Oh and while I’m at it. THERE IS ONLY ONE UNFORGIVABLE SIN AND IT’S NOT SUICIDE. *YES, I AM MAKING CLAP HANDS AS I SAY THAT* Come at me, bro!! If you read my post 2 blogs ago, it became pretty evident to me that Chester is in Heaven with the Lord and he committed suicide… Soo… I will defend suicide not being the ultimate sin until I die.
Where was I? Oh yeah…
As I watched these singers and their bands tonight I realized how screwed up I am. Everyone on stage was talking about their marriages and had a wedding ring on and here I am. I have no desire for men right now. I feel like Chester was my soul mate and he died. I have no interest and even if I explained why I am the way I am, they would find me too messed up anyway. Why did I run down this particular rabbit hole of thoughts besides seeing married people everywhere? Well, I saw an actual unmarried guy onstage who was handsome and I couldn’t believe it. He kept staring at me and I initially felt a twinge of excitement, but then that immediately disappeared. He was probably looking through me and saw how shattered I am. I felt vulnerable all night. Like everyone could see through me and how broken I am. Yes, we were in the front row. My mom LOVES Mandisa. So, naturally I felt paranoid; like all eyes were on me.
Yeah, songs were sung and I cried. I cried for Chester. I cried for myself. I cried for Christ. I cried because of confusion. I cried because of paranoia. I cried because of pain and panic. I cried because of emptiness. I cried for darkness and I cried for light.
It was harped on that we weren’t there by accident. I believe I wasn’t there by accident. I never listen to Mandisa or the Gokey dude. But, I appreciate the meaning of their tour. It was ironic and it did instill in me that I feel like I’m on the right path when it comes to helping others with mental illness and this blog is the right way to go. I don’t mind being honest with all of you and sharing the worst days I have and the best days I have. Although, I haven’t had any great days yet. But, you’ll be there when I do.