Don’t you HATE it when you’re in the middle of a deep sleep and all the sudden your bladder is like HAY GIRL LETS WAKE UP AND GO PEE!! You then look at the clock and you hope it’s like 3am so you can actually go back to sleep, but NO it’s 7am and everyone is making a crap ton of noise in your house. It’s been an exhausting week and it’s Saturday. I don’t want to move or wake up. Damn you bladder. DAMN YOU.
BPD levels today: 7/10.
I woke up with Chester on my mind and had dreams about self harm. So of course triggers are high. My levels of mental exhaustion are off the charts and knowing Thanksgiving is next week makes me feel rather numb. Everything feels like a scrambled mess so what’s the point in family tradition?
Ever since my grandmother died 12 years ago, I’ve never been into holidays anymore. She was the queen of Christmas and Thanksgiving. No matter what, she brought some sort of stability. She was the strongest woman I’ve ever known. She unfortunately developed breast cancer that spread to the lungs and bone and brain. That woman worked at her job until about 3 weeks before she died. I know people who call into work for a sniffle. Not that woman. I’m glad I have her work ethic.
I wish she was still here though. I know mental illness was on her side of the family and I would love to talk to her about it and her struggles now that I’m older and understand. When she died I met Kurt Cobain. That’s when my suicide ideation began. However, when you’re That young you’re not educated in mental health so you don’t know what’s going on. You think it’s normal to want to die. It’s like it’s always been there but when something tragic happens, it’s like your brain unlocks. Just like mine did again with Chester.
Ugh. Does this ever get easier.
I hope all of you are doing okay. You are all wonderful and amazing people. ❤️