Because I’m not mentally prepared for tonight. It sounds so trivial. Tonight is the AMAs and Linkin Park is nominated. I’m pretty positive they will win considering they are going tonight. Oh don’t forget the in memorium too for Chester. I can’t. This is going to send me on a downward spiral to darkness again, but my OCD is kicking in making me super anxious and I HAVE to watch it. 

Tomorrow will be 4 months since Chester died. My already broken heart breaks more because Thanksgiving is this week. I pray for Talinda and the children and hope they have many supportive people around them during this holiday season. They will need it. I along with the rest of the LP family continue to send love their way. 

Ugh, you know how you feel stupid for ways you feel? I feel like all I talk about is missing Chester, but I can’t help how I feel. This blog is meant to be honest, so I’m being honest. I’m super anxious right now I want to vomit. I’m not ready for this evening. 

BPD status: 9/10. 

Love you all. ❤️