Dear Chester,

It’s been 4 months. 4 long months without you and it’s barely any easier. We are all still waiting for you to come back. Jump on a stage and scream JUST KIDDING! Especially last night during the AMAs, as I feel like that’s the last time Linkin Park will be on stage for a very long time. Instead there was a picture of you on the monitors in the back with your birth and death date-literally the worst.

Be proud of your best friends though. They got up on stage with visible heartbreak on their face and bravery in their hearts and dedicated the last award associated with you to you.

I think it’s hard and nearly impossible to earn massive respect and love from a significant number of individuals in the music industry, but you seem to have done it. It’s even harder to win the affection of the common people. You left behind a family of millions who are insanely loyal to you. I’ve never seen a celebrity mourned like this. But you weren’t necessarily a celebrity were you? You were one of us. A friend. A family member. A soul mate. That pain never leaves. Ever.

Listening to your songs don’t get easier and watching your videos don’t seem real. It’s even difficult to read your wife’s tweets, because thanks to my BPD and this sick curse I possess. I can feel her pain. My pain. Everyone’s pain. I feel it all.

Roads Untraveled is playing right now and it only seems fitting for a day like today. I could really use that seat alongside you right now.