This is what I say when I’m super anxious and I can’t comprehend what’s going on around me. I just say it, flail my hands, and walk way. Somehow I feel better for that moment. Almost like I left my anxiety in that space I was in and when I walked away, I left it there. However, that’s not the case. I imagine my anxiety to look like Slenderman. A super tall, skinny figure that follows me around and chokes me with anxiety. So when I’m choking on my anxiety, I slap his hand from around my neck and walk away. Then his long ass legs follow me and in 2 strides he’s hovering over me again. What a dick.

BPD sucks. I was fine all day. I mean, it’s Thanksgiving. But one tiny little thing triggered me and made my brain go down the rabbit hole of negativity and I am an anxious mess of self loathing. Black Friday shopping is a huge staple with my mother and I, and I don’t even know if I can manage it right now. However, to those who don’t understand your mental illness, you have to put up a front and stick it out even though you feel like you’re dying inside. Literally dying. It’s okay. I’ll be fine. I’m fine. We’re fine. I’m good. We’re good.

I’m not fine.

Does it really matter? In the end, does it really matter? God, I swear “In the End” by Linkin Park is my favorite song for so many reasons. It is my life’s motto and there is a reason I have it tattooed on me. Because when I feel like this, in the end, IT DOESN’T EVEN MATTER.

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