That reassurance that there is nothing wrong with you and that you’re not crazy. I know first hand what it feels like to have no one understand you. To have people get mad at you when you don’t walk around with a smile on your face all.the.time. When your superiors at work literally sit you down to have a meeting with you and tell you that you basically need to cheer up. If only it were that easy right?

FYI, it doesn’t help to get yelled at when you’re depressed, or if you don’t even know you’re depressed. I went through my late teenage years being depressed and I didn’t even know what it was or what it felt like. No one was educated enough in my family or cared to educate me anyway about depression. So, as a result I always walked around and “looked like I lost my best friend.”

“Why do you look like that? What’s wrong with you? *said in snide tone.* Why do you look like you lost your best friend? Did you lose your best friend? What makes your life so terrible that you look like that?”

Now you see, I’m the type of person that when I’m really depressed, I can’t hide my depression. I CAN’T put on a smile and go on with my day. I will sit there and look like I’ve lost my best friend, because that’s exactly how I feel. After a while, the questions give you this feeling of panic inside your chest. What is this feeling? You didn’t know at the time, but this is what they call anxiety everyone. Anxiety then begins to fester. Mine festered into social anxiety, OCD, PTSD, and just good ole’ generalized.

I literally never became educated in mental health. I had to educate myself and by educate myself I mean, be so down and suicidal that I forced myself to go to therapy. Then everything clicked. You have this and this and this and this and this and this and this. Holy shit, I’m completely messed up. So take all those anxieties and add on major depressive disorder. It’s funny because I don’t think anyone in my family knows this. Nor have they asked. Easier to be in denial I suppose.

Have I told you how I was diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder? It’s a funny story and I want to first credit Law and Order SVU.

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There was an episode with a woman who was very intelligent and had Narcissistic Personality Disorder. She had murdered someone and was in complete denial about it. As her ex-husband was going through the symptoms of her illness, I was like oh.my.gawd.

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That’s me… however, I’m not as narcissistic as her. Am I? So, I ask Dr. Google about narcissistic personality disorder and that comes up along with borderline personality disorder. I read about both and I’m like, well, I think I’m more borderline, but who knows. I’m not a professional.

I go to my psychiatrist and ask him and he laughs at me. Gee..thanks. What does he know right? I only spend 15 minutes with him while he checks on me and how my meds are doing. Whatever.

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So, I talk to my psychologist (who knows me A LOT better), and tell her my findings thanks to Law and Order SVU and she goes YUP. I’ve been noticing it for a while and it’s funny you’ve mentioned it. THANKS FOR TELLING ME EARLIER! I’VE JUST BEEN STRUGGLING, BUT WHATEVER!

Who knew Law and Order SVU could diagnose mental illnesses. Good detective work guys. Snaps for the dedicated detectives who investigate these vicious felonies. *See what I did there?*

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The point is, you’re not alone. Yes, those who are super close to you may not understand what you’re going through, but you can find individuals who do in the most unlikeliest of places. I’ve found some of the most amazing people on line through the death of Chester. I would consider them family. They aren’t blood, but that doesn’t matter. Those who have your back and are there for you no matter what don’t need to share your blood.

If you ever need a helping hand. I’m here for you. <3


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