Hey guys. Sorry it’s been a few days. Functioning has been difficult this week and I probably should have written to tell you all about it, but I just couldn’t. I had my blog up everyday at work hoping to begin a new post, and I just stared at it blankly not knowing what to do with it or myself. Even right now I’m not sure what to talk about.
However, I do feel myself becoming numb again. Numb like I was when Chester first died and this was bad. At that time, I was literally a robot going through life. Life was monotonous and depressing. That’s when I went impulsive and then I crawled in my dark well. Thanks to the affirmation from Chester, I was able to crawl out a little bit, but I don’t think I’ll be able to climb out if I go back down again. This week has been so stressful and relatively traumatic and now that it’s over, I feel nothing. I’m in my comfy corner in my well. I’m isolated and my brain doesn’t want me to move. We are thriving on isolation over here. I’m losing the ambition to talk to individuals that I usually talk to. Which, is mostly because I went through a major splitting episode this week.
So, over the past 5 months, my dad and I have had something significant hanging over our head. I had to spend a lot of money I didn’t have because someone else lied. This caused a HUGE situation and significant stress on my father and I and I had to be the strong one and fix things. The day to have everything over with happened this week and it had a good outcome, but I was the one screwed in the situation. I had to pay money I was trying to save to be an adult because someone lied. And said liar walked away like nothing happened. During this whole period of 5 months, I feel like I have given so much. And I have-which isn’t the problem. I don’t mind helping people and especially my family, but I would love for people I care about to simply ask how I’m doing in return. A simple “Brittany, how are YOU doing. What do YOU need?” Sure, I may get asked that, but then someone has a hidden agenda after, so it doesn’t count.
Side note: I have found a great friend thanks to Linkin Park though and I can honestly say that if it weren’t for her, I don’t know where I would be this week. So, thanks hun <3. *Yeah, I had to throw her in here… so what?? She is significant.*
I’m the type of person that when I see someone really down and out, I’ll think of something special and do it without them knowing to cheer them up. I never get that. It’s tiring to care about people who don’t care about you in return. So, it makes you go, “What’s the point?” I kept thinking about this thought over and over this week and it kept festering inside me causing me to split, (if you don’t know what splitting is, check this great article out right here. Those who didn’t even check up on me I banned from my mind. Yeah, it’s stupid, but it’s what happens unfortunately. Honestly, I didn’t feel like fighting it. I didn’t feel like rationally thinking about why it wasn’t necessary. All I kept thinking was why do I have to be the rational one? Why can’t I not be okay and someone pick me up for once? Instead, I get yelled at and bashed on for being depressed by certain people. Yeah, what happened this week may have ended in my favor, but I don’t recover like normal people. I don’t hear something great after months of stressing and feel immediately okay. I wish I could, but I can’t.
I’m basically an independent borderline. It’s an oxymoron and it’s difficult. I don’t ask for much and I wont ask for much. I’ll continue to float along and rest in my numbness.