Yes, another Garbage song as the title. Shirley Manson is bae.
Ugh. Today is not a good day. Triggers to the left of me. Triggers to the right. I literally feel like this:
Just moving in the same spot over and over again. Just walking and walking and walking. Will this feeling ever go away? I’m living with constant heartbreak, that annoying anxious feeling that I should be doing something else and am wasting time, and my soul just feels shattered. I swear it will never heal from Chester passing. I literally cannot imagine how his family feels. However, I’m glad they don’t have borderline so they don’t have to feel as I feel.
Now before you go “oh boy, another Chester post,” he’s a predominate figure in my life and my feelings. So, yeah he will be mentioned a lot. I wish I could explain it to you; this feeling. It’s almost like we were supposed to meet one day and now I missed out. Or maybe I should’ve taken an opportunity to see them when they came to my area, but I couldn’t afford it. I should’ve just done it. Now he’s gone, and I feel like the typical cliche of “you don’t know what you’ve got until it’s gone.”
And what exactly did you have Brittany? It’s such a good question that I wish I could answer. A friend? A best friend? A brother? A mentor? That person that you always rant to and they understand? Or like a boyfriend who gives you something special when you didn’t ask for it? That’s what I feel like I lost. All of the above.
But Brittany, why didn’t you ever talk about him when he was alive? Now he’s gone and you’re like this?
I literally hate that question, but I have an answer for it. I didn’t need to talk about him when he was alive. My insides felt complete and hole. I knew I wasn’t alone and I always had that comfort of knowing. It’s like we had an invisible symbiotic relationship. I knew he was there so I was okay, and he knew I was there so life moved on. It was just fine. Then when he died and how he died… I just felt my insides shatter. Literally shatter. You know that feeling when your heart drops and your legs get this warm feeling? Like you know everything is going to change and you feel almost lost and scared. That’s what happened. That’s what my soul shatter felt like. In that moment I felt everything. I felt the worlds pain inside of me and it was breathtakingly miserable. I hadn’t even processed it myself or felt my own pain. I felt Chester’s, I felt the band’s, I felt his fellow musicians, and I felt the fans heart break. Damn borderline.
If you’re having any trouble understanding me or anyone else in your life that has borderline, this website nails it.
As I’ve said before, I’m very good at putting myself in people’s situation. A borderlines intuition and ability to read others is off the charts, so naturally I over analyze. When I read how he died, I put myself there. I have this whole image of how the room looked and how upset he was and everything. That’s not normal is it? I kept feeling it and feeling it and living it and living it. A human can only take so much. So, I started to become numb. And I’m becoming numb again. It goes in a circle.
The pain that I felt was almost physical. And it still is at times. There are times where I’m in so much emotional pain I don’t know what to do. Looking at him is difficult. Moving is difficult. Life is difficult. He was that advocate you know? An advocate for you and me. An advocate for us who feel too much and hurt so differently than others. He felt it too. And now that one person who I felt supported me through all of my panic attacks and all of my fits of borderline is gone.
And I’m lost.