It’s been a while. Ya girl has been busy.

I’m finally moving out! And yes, I’m living all byy myyyseellffff! I am beyond excited. I already have purchased Chester paraphernalia to put all over the apartment. So, that’s why I haven’t posted in a while. Packing sucks. My mind has also been all over the place and I don’t even know what to share with you all. However, something has been coming to my mind so I will share it with you all.

I’m sure you guys remember the Columbine shooting. Why am I bringing up such a tragedy? Well, I’m getting there, I swear.

Over the weekend, my family and I watched a Christian movie based on Rachel Scott; the first victim who was gunned down because of her faith. The movie got its content from her journal entries, which I found fascinating. Throughout the movie, I found myself connecting with this individual. Why? Well, she kept stating that she could never see her future. She could never see herself going to college or getting married. It just wasn’t a possibility. Ironically, that’s what I tell people, except I’ve already been to college. But, the marriage part I can’t see. I can’t see the rest of my future. And I know we literally can’t see our futures, but a lot of us can picture where we are in a few years time. As for me, I can’t. People are always like, “Brittany, you’ll find who you are supposed to marry soon. There are plenty of fish in the sea. You say you don’t want kids, but I know you will have them.” How do I always answer? No. And I’m not saying no to be facetious. I’m saying no because I literally cannot picture it. I tell people I’m not meant to find love and I’m dead serious. They giggle and say that’s silly, but I’m DEAD SERIOUS. I don’t see it.

Am I like Rachel Scott?

Analogy time: I feel like I am in standing in the middle of the graveyard in Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire when he gets portkeyed there by Voldemort. Instead of being linked to Voldemort by his wand, I feel like I have two wands. One wand in my right hand is extended and linked to Chester’s and the wand in my left hand is extended and linked to Rachel’s. Both of their spirits are there. It’s not a negative experience. It’s as though we are linked as one and my life can go one of two ways.

I’ve always been fascinated by Christian martyrdom and always thought I would be one. And unfortunately, due to my mental illness, I’ve always had suicide ideation. The left wand is Christian martyrdom and the right wand is suicide ideation. But if you take away those subjects, you’re left with the people: Rachel and Chester. If you haven’t seen the movie I am not ashamed, I recommend it. Yes, it’s a Christian movie, and if you’re not one, watch it for Rachel’s story. She’s an amazing woman. She and I relate in more than one ways. She too felt so much pain. So much pain to the point that she found herself on the top of a building dancing with death on the edge. She wasn’t the perfect Christian. She just wanted to help people and change the world, (Sound like someone you know?). People came to her for advice and to talk about their problems. People came to her to feel better. God gave her the skills.

I’m like Rachel Scott. I’m like Chester. I am linked to both of them. I couldn’t think of two better people to be linked to.

My question is: who will I die like?


Fun fact: Did you know, Rachel’s funeral was broadcasted on CNN and had more viewers than Princess Diana’s. Her hands did touch millions. 

If you look at the featured image of Chester and you know anything about Rachel, they would’ve liked each other very much. <3 I know they both are watching over me from Heaven. #blessed.