I’m knocked to the ground. Again.
Am I finally dead this time? The light flickers and begins to dim. I sit up and see him standing there. He is unphased. He walks over to me and I feel myself tensing up. But why? He comes into view and he looks the same as he did before. The demons inside me blow on the pieces of ashen heart within me. It makes me cry out in pain. Not just any pain. A pain of deep loss. Deep loss that I have been avoiding for so long. The reality is standing in front of me. I can’t look him in the eye. My head hangs low and his hand comes into view. He wants me to take it. Should I? I know if I do, I can’t turn back. I know if I do, I’m going to die. But that’s what I want isn’t it? I take it. His hand is warm, soft, and comforting. He touches my chin to tilt my head up to look in his eyes. I can’t. I close my eyes. I know what he’s trying to do. But he can’t feel me anymore. Can he? I wait for him to speak but he says nothing. The demons are curious and open my eyes. We are staring into each other’s eyes and I know this is it. I know what’s about to happen. I’m not wrong. Through his eyes I can see his soul– his life. He is showing me everything. Except, I can’t see it. I feel it. All questions left unanswered are now answered, but I can’t put them into words. There’s no way for me to transmit these feelings. Only he and I have this connection. I am burdened with this forever. Or is it a gift?He and I are the same and I knew it the whole time. I now carry two sets of demons with me. Tears roll down my cheeks and I feel his thumb remove them as he cups my face. He gives me a certain look. A look of concern. A look of love. A look of joy. A look of loss. And a look of despair. As he disappears I feel them all. I’ll never see him again.