**Please note- I submitted this to themighty.com and they didn’t want it, so I’m putting it here. 🙂

 

Oh, how young you were. How innocent and sweet. The perfect child. At least, that’s what everyone said, and you tried to be.
Then, that fateful day at the age of 15 it all came crumbling down. The switch couldn’t remain on anymore-too much resistance. She died and you weren’t protected. Your emptiness couldn’t be hidden anymore and it came out in tidal waves of suicide ideation and constant repeats of Nirvana songs. What was happening? What was going on inside your head? No one understood and everyone got mad at you for looking like “you lost your best friend.” Well, technically you did.
Bury it. Shove it down inside. Why do I feel this way?
She left. Everyone is going to leave.
The brain chants “You are nothing” as scissors cut your arm. The release helps you feel.
Is this normal? You don’t know. You don’t care to know.
You continue through your teen years and suicide follows you like a dark shadow. A very tall, dark, scraggly shadow. You give him a persona but not a name. He already has a name and it means death. Good enough.
As the years’ pass, people around you try to leave. They try to die. On purpose no less. Your friend suicide is a jerk to everyone around you and you want to control him. You’re jealous. You only want him to be YOUR friend. But others try and take him.
How dare they?
How dare they try and take themselves from you and your dear friend suicide?
Everyone is trying to leave. People you love are going to leave you. They don’t love you.
The brain chants “You are nothing” as scissors cut your arm. You are nothing and feel nothing.
At the age of 24, you decide it’s time to get help. Too many people have left you and too many people have tried to leave you. You can’t take it anymore. You get diagnosed with so many mental disorders.
Are you crazy?
No.
They tell you-you aren’t crazy. They justify these past 9 years. They justify why suicide is your friend and why you get jealous when others try and take him away from you.
It’s normal, but not healthy.
“Don’t tell me how to live my life.” Is what you want to say.
They continue to tell you that you are Borderline.
Okay? Borderline what?
Your severe fear of abandonment is justified. Borderline and your best friend suicide walk hand in hand, and guess what? You’re in the middle.
Do you want to be in the middle?
Some days you do and some days you don’t, but when you do, you know what that’s called?
Psychosis.


2 Comments

Lauretta · January 17, 2018 at 2:53 pm

Holy shit dude. This is incredibly written. It’s so personal and deep, and sadly relatable. You are strong. I know you probably don’t feel it or believe it most of the time, but you are. You’re a fucking rock star.

    admin · January 17, 2018 at 2:56 pm

    Thank you! No I don’t feel it 😂 but I do love this piece. I wish it was published. 🤷🏼‍♀️

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